Depression of a Souther Wiccan Lady.

There used to be a time when a proper Southern Lady didn't talk about certain things. One of those things was depression. Even today you will find many women in the south, not admitting that they are might sometime have to struggle with depression.

Maybe it is because some of them still, to this day do not understand that depression, as many other disorders is an illness and not a sign of weakness, insanity or embarrassment.

For me, this is something I have truly lived and struggled with all my life and have spoken very little openly about. I can't tell you why, except there were just things one didn't talk about. And as my precious mother would say, "you just have to find a way to deal with it."

Easier said than done.

Depression is one of the reasons I haven't posted to this blog in a few days.

Lets just say my stop smoking has almost completely gone to the way of the dinosaurs. Granted I'm not smoking a pack a day, but I am still finding myself walking outside at least twice a day to have that little puff of hell.

But that isn't the point of this blog. I'll continue to work on that aspect of my life and my health.

This entry is strictly about depression.

I don't have any educational or medical answers. I have only myself and my thoughts.

When depression starts, it usually is something simple that sets it off. A word taken the wrong way, a glass left full on the desk, even something as simple as one of the pet trying to get close to be loved, only to have me push them away because my nerves are frayed.

If I can't get that depression under control quickly, it begins to spiral downwards. Each moment becoming darker and denser. I can't breathe sometimes. I can't find the energy to do simple things. Even my hygine seems to suffer. I don't care to brush my hair or shower. All I want to do is find somewhere and sit, simmer and fester.

This is one of those times. I can't see an end to anything at all. And it seems that everything that happens is much worse than it really is.

I know, deep in my soul that everything will work out. Whether it be finances or the well being of everyone here. But my emotions are unchecked. I yell at the slightest of things. I want to cry all the time and I really don't want that kind word or that gentle touch that is offered to bring me comfort. Its like I would rather suffer, to hurt in silence and alone.

I also know that this will not last. I will keep clawing my way up. I will keep fighting to make myself do the things that need to be done. I will look into the eyes that love me, human and animal and see that I am not alone. I will know that with each step I take, I have many behind me and in front of me reaching out, helping me to find that next steady step.

Yes I am a proper Southern Lady. Yes I am a strong Spiritual Woman.

Depression will not take me. I am stronger and with help, I will once again be that light at the top of the hill, reaching out for others who are suffering in silence. I will take their hands and I will help them to reach the top, and together we will survive to fight another day.

Is this a Suicidal Thought?

I'm fifty sumpin years old.

I'm sitting in our patio, looking at various things I need to do to start getting ready to make a container garden.

Over in the corner is a Schwinn bike my brother recently paid 40.00 for at a local pawn shop.

(see where this is going)

I've never been on a bike in my entire life. I've always been of the mind that if it is too far to walk, you go in a car. If it is not far enough to drive you walk.

Now, with my new found wanting to get back in shape, I'm seriously thinking about learning to ride this bike and using it at least once a day in the park across the street from me.

I won't try without the boys being around first.....but....is this suicidal thoughts?

And on the Third Day

Its late. Very late and I really need to be in bed sleeping soundly. However I'm wide awake, sitting here and wondering what to write about.

Well, it's day three. Today has been so rough. I found myself at one point today, without really realizing it, looking for an ashtray in my nephew's room for a butt. Just a small one. Maybe a puff or two.

When I realized what I was doing, I went across the hall and brushed my few teeth and used a mouthwash. I fussed at myself for not keeping a better eye on myself. But I've made it, three days down.

Its been really rough today. I've been on edge and frankly just wanted to scream at every little thing that happened.

When the boys got home, I thought that I could just relax a bit before I got up and started supper. Well that wasn't to be. Walt, my brother came in through the front door, not the garage. When I asked what was wrong, he took me outside and pointed above the front door. The facade was barely hanging on by a nail or two. I'm surprised that it didn't fall on me or anyone else when we walked through the door.

Took us an hour to get maintenance to get here and look at it. (have I said how badly I dislike this new so called handyman? No? Well I'll have to tell you the story of our first meeting and why I really would rather things fall apart than have him step foot in my home.

Anyway, fixer man came with a ladder and put some screws in the facade to keep it up and said he would be back tomorrow to fill in the gaps with silicone. Silicone?

*sigh* here's hoping and praying that the thing doesn't get blown down by the wind we are having at the moment.

Other Thoughts

Found out that in April, David Wilkerson was killed in a head on collision. David Wilkerson, for those who do not know him, is the author of The Cross and the Switchblade. He founded an organization called Teen Challenge and worked to get young people out of gangs and into Church. I enjoyed reading the book and even though I do not profess christianity as it is today, I feel the world has lost a good man.

And what about that actress, Yevette Vickers is it? The one who was the playboy centerfold and was in B movies? Found dead in her home. Well they haven't actually officially said it was her because, get this, her body was nearly mummified. They are saying she has been dead for almost a year. I can't imagine that. No one knew the woman had died for that long? I hope it was a case of her just going to sleep and passing, and not suffering along for an extended period of time.

Time for Bed. Maybe I will be over the worse of this detox and withdrawals in a few days. I can only hope and pray this is so. Not ready to give in just yet. I really do want to live smoke free.

Blessed Dreams Everyone.

Conflicted

I was going to sit and just write about my first day without smokes, and what kind of Beltane I had.

Then last night, everyone knows about what time, something happened. Breaking News on CNN, FOX, MSNBC and other stations. President Obama would be making a statement on National Security.

I can't tell you what I felt as I heard the news. Bin Laden was dead. Assassinated by Navy Seals.

I set up till almost three in the morning, switching from one channel to another, just watching and gathering any information I could.

I should be happy, yes?

Here is a man who put into place the most horrendous man made disaster, killing thousands of innocents. Destroying millions of lives.

I'm just not sure if I am happy about the way it happened.

Just something I'll have to contemplate.

Beltane Just around the Corner

And as usual, I'm not ready. Not household wise, not ritual wise and definitely not financially wise. I would love one year to actually be able to cook a whole special and very fancy Beltane meal for my family but this year, it will probably be simple like cornbread (or corn fritters, Mom loves those and I haven't made them in a long time) Maybe a cake with cream cheese frosting, and it depends on if I am going to have anything left over from payday (another month where rent is going to be sorely late due to boys playing when they shouldn't be playing) I might go out and get a brisket and make chili or something else everyone likes.

Beltane is also the day, remember I will be stopping smoking. I will spend tomorrow cleaning house, washing all my clothes and bedding and taking any other tobacco product up to Franks room where he will make his own or have to do without. I'm not tempting myself this early on by making his cigarettes. He has also promised to only smoke outside and not inside. If he holds to that promise he will be smoking less.

I am not holding him to the not smoking as long as he doesn't smoke around me. I seldom go into his room, and I have him some air freshener to use in case he just can't not smoke. I understand because my smoking place has always been while I'm on the computer (don't boo me, I know it isn't good for the electronics...so shoot me.)

But I'm looking forward to a new start. There are things I really want to accomplish that I have done in a very long time that will not only occupy my time but also start to heal my body and my mind.

Maybe you were thinking that I would fill this blog with mystical musings and wiccan lessons. Well I might but this is also my way of just letting you know how I think, that is when I'm thinking at all. No telling what you will find when I actually sit down and start writing. Maybe something about Wicca, maybe something enlightening or maybe something as mundane and well....a picture of my furbabies.

Goodbye to a Friend/Fiend

I wish I could say I will miss you.

I wish I could say that I will never want you back.

I'm sure you will be missed greatly for a while. Every time I have a cup of coffee I will think of all those mornings you shared that with me, how you helped to wake me up and breath deeply.

I will miss you for a while when everything around me seems to be falling apart. You were always there to help calm me down. Especially when there seemed to be no one else around.

I will miss you for a time at night, that last movie or website we would share together. How you always seemed to be ready before I even knew I was ready.

You always seemed to anticipate my needs long before they surfaced enough for me to recognize them.

But you lied to me. Your false sense of momentary peace will be replaced with the real thing. I understand now that it is you that need me more than I need you. Without me, you are nothing and I think you fear that. Without me you are terrified you will no longer exist.

You may have always been there, never far away, but it has always been at a high price. I have suspected this for a very long time but know I know and understand. Your price is much more than I am willing to give anymore.

You take years from my life. You make it where simple enjoyment like walking the dog makes me so out of breath I can barely make it to the house. Your price has taken the pleasure of running up the stairs and replaced it with slow unsteady steps. Your price has taken away my ability to walk through the park, to enjoy the crips winter mornings and the sweltering summer evenings and replaced it with such a nasty cough that seems to never disappear.

I've drawn the line in the sand now and it is a line you are not allowed to cross. I have my battle plans ready and you will not win.

You now have two days and a few hours to vacate the premises. You will no longer have a place here. You are not welcomed and will not be tolerated.

As I said, I wish I could say I will miss you but I can't. I am looking forward to having my freedom and living life as I did before smoking.

Countdown to Stop Date

Today I will be getting my music set up. One of the things I will be doing is taking long relaxing walks in the park across the street. I think I'll start with meditation music and work my way up to fast music as my body starts to wake up and heal.

I'm also looking into starting a small garden out in my patio and maybe a herbal garden in the house. I used to love to garden pre-smoking days. I mean come on, I had a life before smoking, all I have to do is remember that life and see what I still enjoy doing.

ALTAR UPDATE: Boys got the dresser down that I always had my alter on top. At the moment I have all my objects in various drawers of the dresser and during the next few days I will start organizing them so I know where things are. I haven't had much trouble with Stinker, the tom cat yet on climbing on top of it. I'm adding things slowly, heavy things first and also shaking a can of pennies or spritzing him with water every time he gets up there. I'm hoping by the time I put out the smaller things, he understands it is a no-no to fool with them.

Thing will be rough I understand, but isn't the best things in life, those things you are willing to fight hard for? I think so.