Beltane Just around the Corner

And as usual, I'm not ready. Not household wise, not ritual wise and definitely not financially wise. I would love one year to actually be able to cook a whole special and very fancy Beltane meal for my family but this year, it will probably be simple like cornbread (or corn fritters, Mom loves those and I haven't made them in a long time) Maybe a cake with cream cheese frosting, and it depends on if I am going to have anything left over from payday (another month where rent is going to be sorely late due to boys playing when they shouldn't be playing) I might go out and get a brisket and make chili or something else everyone likes.

Beltane is also the day, remember I will be stopping smoking. I will spend tomorrow cleaning house, washing all my clothes and bedding and taking any other tobacco product up to Franks room where he will make his own or have to do without. I'm not tempting myself this early on by making his cigarettes. He has also promised to only smoke outside and not inside. If he holds to that promise he will be smoking less.

I am not holding him to the not smoking as long as he doesn't smoke around me. I seldom go into his room, and I have him some air freshener to use in case he just can't not smoke. I understand because my smoking place has always been while I'm on the computer (don't boo me, I know it isn't good for the electronics...so shoot me.)

But I'm looking forward to a new start. There are things I really want to accomplish that I have done in a very long time that will not only occupy my time but also start to heal my body and my mind.

Maybe you were thinking that I would fill this blog with mystical musings and wiccan lessons. Well I might but this is also my way of just letting you know how I think, that is when I'm thinking at all. No telling what you will find when I actually sit down and start writing. Maybe something about Wicca, maybe something enlightening or maybe something as mundane and well....a picture of my furbabies.

Goodbye to a Friend/Fiend

I wish I could say I will miss you.

I wish I could say that I will never want you back.

I'm sure you will be missed greatly for a while. Every time I have a cup of coffee I will think of all those mornings you shared that with me, how you helped to wake me up and breath deeply.

I will miss you for a while when everything around me seems to be falling apart. You were always there to help calm me down. Especially when there seemed to be no one else around.

I will miss you for a time at night, that last movie or website we would share together. How you always seemed to be ready before I even knew I was ready.

You always seemed to anticipate my needs long before they surfaced enough for me to recognize them.

But you lied to me. Your false sense of momentary peace will be replaced with the real thing. I understand now that it is you that need me more than I need you. Without me, you are nothing and I think you fear that. Without me you are terrified you will no longer exist.

You may have always been there, never far away, but it has always been at a high price. I have suspected this for a very long time but know I know and understand. Your price is much more than I am willing to give anymore.

You take years from my life. You make it where simple enjoyment like walking the dog makes me so out of breath I can barely make it to the house. Your price has taken the pleasure of running up the stairs and replaced it with slow unsteady steps. Your price has taken away my ability to walk through the park, to enjoy the crips winter mornings and the sweltering summer evenings and replaced it with such a nasty cough that seems to never disappear.

I've drawn the line in the sand now and it is a line you are not allowed to cross. I have my battle plans ready and you will not win.

You now have two days and a few hours to vacate the premises. You will no longer have a place here. You are not welcomed and will not be tolerated.

As I said, I wish I could say I will miss you but I can't. I am looking forward to having my freedom and living life as I did before smoking.

Countdown to Stop Date

Today I will be getting my music set up. One of the things I will be doing is taking long relaxing walks in the park across the street. I think I'll start with meditation music and work my way up to fast music as my body starts to wake up and heal.

I'm also looking into starting a small garden out in my patio and maybe a herbal garden in the house. I used to love to garden pre-smoking days. I mean come on, I had a life before smoking, all I have to do is remember that life and see what I still enjoy doing.

ALTAR UPDATE: Boys got the dresser down that I always had my alter on top. At the moment I have all my objects in various drawers of the dresser and during the next few days I will start organizing them so I know where things are. I haven't had much trouble with Stinker, the tom cat yet on climbing on top of it. I'm adding things slowly, heavy things first and also shaking a can of pennies or spritzing him with water every time he gets up there. I'm hoping by the time I put out the smaller things, he understands it is a no-no to fool with them.

Thing will be rough I understand, but isn't the best things in life, those things you are willing to fight hard for? I think so.

Pressure Cookers and life

Today I learned a life lesson from my pressure cooker.

Now as a southern cook, I love my pressure cooker. I use is often because I usually have to buy the cheaper cuts of meat to save money. However, with the pressure cooker, I have found most if not all the meat I cook comes out flavorful and completely tender.

As I set it up today to cook a rather large piece of brisket, I started with all my spices and liquid. Then I placed the mean in the center and sealed it. I then found the pressure thinggy to put on the top. I have three sizes so I have to always wonder which one is the best.

As I sat and waited for the pressure to build up so I could time it, I found myself thinking about my life and how much pressure I am under almost every hour of every day.

Unlike the pressure cooker, I sometimes forget to let the steam that builds up within me to come out. I let it continue to build and build until I finally explode.

So, what if I actually allow others to know that I'm stressed, that what they are doing or saying is beginning to build up pressure within me. I really don't think they do it on purpose or that they know how badly I really am effected by their words or deeds. They don't know that I need to let some of the steam out before something terrible happens.

So, here's my pressure cooker experiment. I think next time I start feeling like things are building up, instead of internalizing it, I will let it out slowly, maybe in spurts like my pressure cooker does. Then maybe when it is over and all the pressure and steam is released, what will be left is a better, more seasoned me.

Changes

Well, so changes are just around the corner.

I have decided that yes, this is the time to stop smoking and my stop date I decided is May 1st, Beltane. What better day to start a new way of life. Between now and then I have so much I have to do.

I need to clean out and get rid of all the ashtrays and cigarette supplies I have around me. I'll need to make sure all my clothing and bedding is washed so there is no smoke smell. Then what. I've already talked to Frank, my nephew. He has agreed not to smoke anywhere near me and that he will not make his own cigarettes, something I've been doing for him, when I make my own.

Also, tomorrow, the boys are bringing down my Altar.

Since about June of last year, I have been sleeping downstairs so that I could hear Mom if she needed something in the middle of the night. The sofa is very comfy and I sleep well but the one thing I've been missing is my Altar.

So I've cleaned it off, packed away everything I use, and the boys are bringing the dresser that it sits atop downstairs. We have a place picked out and once again I can start setting it up for different things. I've missed it so much.

So, that's about it for now. Need to go finish the dishes so I can make the Cheesecakes for tomorrow. We are having Homemade Taco's for Easter. (grins) Yeah yeah I know, not traditional.

Well, since the death of Dad and Nanny, we no longer do the traditional thing. Every holiday the guys and mom either pick something they like or go through my cook books and choose something really new.

So much for an everyday blog

But I digress.

Ever have one of those days you get up and wonder what the heck you are doing?

I do, right after a fifteen to thirty minute coughing session as I try to make my lungs work. Of course there is the two or three cigarettes I smoke during that time. My brain tells me it is to kick start the lungs into functioning the way they should.

Yeah right.

So, do I try once again to stop smoking? It is something that I've really been thinking about and for the last two or three days, I've actually been making plans and trying to figure out what a good stop date would be. I know I need at least a couple of weeks to get myself and things together to get started. So I wonder, since I have only enough tobacco to last about two weeks or less, maybe a two week (which is actually suggested at the stop smoking websites I've looked into. )

I went almost an entire month without a smoke. Okay, so I was flat of my back and didn't even know what was going on around me, but I didn't have a smoke. Yet a within a week after I was up and back to semi good health, I started lighting up again. My cough has not left.

So, do I or don't I. Of course I'm going to try again. Just a matter of when.

Two weeks. Sounds awfully close but at the same time, it sounds just about right.